Self-love: Stop the Comparison

People don’t need to like you, people don’t need to love you, people don’t even need to have to respect you, but when YOU look in the mirror, you better love what see.

Live your life like you really matter - because you do! If no one else ever tells you, I am here to tell you that you do.

Most people don’t because that’s what our society tells us; you are and will never be good enough - what you want and need is inferior to what your parents, teachers, boss, government, society, or spouse expects from you. Building trust in yourself can start with small steps, like just being kind to yourself and have grace with yourself. Every small step counts.

This brings up the biggest topic and excuse I always here from clients - “ I need to lose weight” No you don’t need to! End of story.

Here is the scenario. Living healthy is a start but you do all the things to lose weight but the scale is not moving. And you think, I’ll never get there - I am not good enough. You think in your head if you just look like this or that person, then you’ll be happy. That is a lie that we’ve been fed to believe. You are going to be the same woman, even if you are a size 2. You are all you need to be today. You don’t need to be thinner. F&*k thin! It is not going to change you. This is who you are. It is not going to make you a better mom, or woman. You are beautiful just as you are. But the media, and the world is telling us we have to shame ourselves into loving ourselves. You can not hate yourself or shame yourself better. You only have to love yourself to get better. The world is telling us your worth is in the size of your jeans. What message is this sending our kids?

If you are 50 or older and have been feeling like this since high school. I know you because you are me - at 48, I want to live a healthy life and be stronger, not thinner because the world and media are constantly pointing out things that are wrong with me to buy this product and that product - to fix this wrinkle, to fix that cellulite. I’m on all the socials and get fed that every single second - even if we don’t think so, it does affect your mental well-being. We have been fed these lies for 30 years. If you are 30, do you want to feel like this for the next 20 years until you finally realize that you don’t have to look a certain way? You are just getting started at 50 and these days we live longer so now that you are no longer hanging out at the club and have all these resources to live healthier and longer, please know that we can stop wasting this time to find joy in our lives. If you are given the gift of growing older accept it with grace because not everyone gets it.

Let me ask you this. When you feel wrong, embarrassed, ashamed, or unsure, do you stand tall or make yourself small? When you are standing for family photos, do you try to make yourself small, pull in your gut, and hide behind the kids?

I want you to try the opposite. Not just for photos but for anything you need courage for today or this week. To go see your boss for a promotion, for a difficult conversation, for standing up to that family member. I want you to stand tall, feet apart, hands on your hips, chest out (imagine a cape flying behind you - yes, the Superwoman pose). Do you feel that energy shift? You feel invisible.

The next time you get to take photos or do something brave, do this pose and stand with your head up high and tell yourself just how beautiful you are.

The only beauty we will all have is inside. Inside your heart, your head, your soul.

You don’t have to be like anyone else, you don’t need to look like a model in the magazine (that is heavily photoshopped anyway), you don’t have to be like other moms, you don’t even have to be a mom or you don’t have to be in a relationship or coupled up. You don’t need to change. You are perfect just the way you are.

There is nothing wrong with your body, it holds you up and those legs with the cellulite carry you through life - some people don’t have legs - they want your legs! These arms with the bat wing flaps hold your babies and care for people. Your stretch marks are a gift left behind from the privilege of carrying those babies - a lot don’t get that gift and will give anything for those stretch marks. It is a gift. You are a gift! You are enough. All the noise around us wants us to think there is something wrong with us to fix. You are wasting your life, thinking there is something wrong with you.

When you make a list of everything that you hate about yourself, do you feel good or ashamed? Believe me, it is not just you. You may see other people do things or compare yourself to others or maybe you are not surrounded by people who don’t encourage you. We are not born with all the knowledge to know how to do all these things. You wouldn’t expect your baby/toddler to know everything from the start. They don’t have all the tools yet. Health is a learned behavior.

If you are tired of being tired of feeling like you are not enough and like a failure, it is time to write a new narrative. You will fail, but you need to forgive yourself. What for? For the unrelenting comparison. You don’t need to apologize for anything. You don’t have to be perfect for anyone - not for your mom, your dad, your spouse, your kids. You don’t have to be like anyone else. Have grace with yourself.

You don’t have to do anything for anyone to love you unconditionally.

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

- Derek Walcott

You’ve got this, girl and I hold a space for you. Please be part of my body project and embrace your beautiful self. You will see yourself in a new light and together we will honor this beautiful body you live in and carry you through your beautiful life.